


sweet n spicy

by kuroeko



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Fluff, Food, M/M, dimitri lost his sense of taste in this one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:02:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28399677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuroeko/pseuds/kuroeko
Summary: After one too many times of Dimitri biting into forbidden foods (soap, display foods, etc.) Claude decides there needs to be an intervention.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	sweet n spicy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moussings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moussings/gifts).



> A gift for [squigs](https://twitter.com/squigdraws) who is my homie and has talked to me a lot about dmcl. Enough that someone who only knows about them through osmosis from friends can write a fic like this for her. Her only request was "her boys doing something stupid" so I channeled all my stupidity and wrote this fic. Enjoy!!!!!!!! It's a nonsensical little fluff fic.  
> \---  
> Thanks [RC](https://twitter.com/spacialrenders) for beta! She helped a ton in making sure the characters were...in character. A team effort!  
> \---  
> I spent most of my time writing this fic browsing [r/forbiddensnacks](https://www.reddit.com/r/forbiddensnacks/). Felt like Dimitri.

The sound of birds twittering cut through the crisp, spring morning air as they rustled through among the tree branches, offering a serenade to both themselves and passerby. It was early enough that the park was only occupied with the most dedicated park goers, each focused on their own activities and paying no heed to a couple strolling on the dirt running path. Sunlight glinted off of the taller one, his pale skin splotted with hints of sunscreen still sticking slightly to his medium-length blonde hair. He was wearing a simple grey t-shirt and some black joggers, a contrast with his more colorfully dressed counterpart. One of his eyes was hidden beneath an understated eyepatch, but the remaining blue pupil was looking upon his partner with ample worry.

“Claude, are you sure you don’t want me to help?” The recipient of this concern was dressed far more warmly, with an oversized mustard-yellow knit cardigan and a light brown ribbed turtleneck underneath. It worked well with his darker skin, complimenting his dark brown, slightly wavy hair and swinging gold chain earrings. His lower half was clad in warm black corduroy pants and slightly scuffed brown boots, that were only getting more scuffed as they accidentally kicked against the giant wicker basket he was lugging with both hands. 

“I’m fineeeeee, Dimitri! Don’t need your big, bulging muscles to carry a little basket, after all,” the breathless packhorse wheezed in response, then winced as an especially sharp basket corner knocked into his knee.

“That’s not it, Clau--Is my shirt really that tight today?” The last part was asked in a whisper as he glanced around, secretly glad that no one seemed interested in their weird situation. “I suppose it is more snug than usual....”

“Not to worry, I like it when it’s tight. But anyways-oh right here! You can lead the way, Dimitri, right between the bushes here.” Claude suddenly stopped mid-path, then tilted his head at what looked like a steep drop down towards the river that wound through the middle of the park. 

“Here?!” Dimitri eyed the unwelcome bushes with unease, taking notice of an upturned [DO NOT LEAVE THE PATH] sign cast to the side. 

“Yes, ‘here!’ Now let’s go, adventure awaits!” 

His nervous accomplice hesitated, then decided to go first, to at least brace Claude’s inevitable fall when he tried to go down the slope with a basket that heavy. By the sound of his wheezing, the thing could have weighed at least a hundred pounds. After a few cautious steps, though, he realized that the ground was leveling out well beneath him, turning into a fairly easy path between overgrown bushes. The foliage here was left free to grow, unbothered as it was normally closed to the public. Trees lined the path they just left, closing them off from prying watchers. The slight drop left them with a backdrop of bushes that transitioned into soft green grasses ending at the gravel riverbank. 

“Stunning,” Dimitri looked up and marveled at the clear, blue sky peeking through the trees above. The river rushed past, sparkling as small disturbances on the surface reflected back the sun’s rays overhead. It was quiet here, only filled with the soft sounds of nature, and it instantly put him at ease. Claude stopped next to him, finally placing down the gargantuan basket, flopping onto the ground next to it in brief respite.

“Whew, made it. Oh wait--Dimitri before you settle down and get your sweats all dirty, spread out this blanket to cushion that nice ass.” Claude reached a hand into the abyss under the basket lid, then pulled out a blue and white checkered picnic blanket, only slightly stained from previous use.

“Claude....” Dimitri chastised his lover, knowing that he only spoke this crassly when they were alone together. Or with Hilda around. Or with Lorenz around...or with...yeah, Claude was just like that. Nevertheless, he carefully set out the blanket, then grabbed Claude under his armpits and repositioned him onto it. 

“There, now _your_ pants will stay dry, as well. Which I must say, are higher quality than mine.” He primly stated while sitting down and gazing with slight unease at the wicker basket. What was in there was a complete mystery to him, as Claude had only pulled it out of the trunk of Hilda’s car after she had dropped them off at the park with a wink. He’d since then refused any help from Dimitri and lugged it all the way into this secluded riverside location. 

“Aw thanks, I thrifted them. There’s a hole near my crotch but you’d never know unless you looked closely. You can look, though.” Seeing the scandalized look on Dimitri’s face, Claude burst into a laugh, rolling over to give his burly lover a quick hug.

“Just kidding! Maybe.... But seriously though, I brought you here today because we’re going to work on you, Dima.” 

“Work...on _me_? For what?!” The look on poor Dimitri’s face now turned into a mix of scandal and confusion. 

Claude sat back with crossed arms, reaching up to tap at his chin while looking Dimitri right in the eye. 

“Well...there was that time when we were at LUSH with Hilda, and then you ate the soap.” Claude reminisced, remembering how they’d turned around upon hearing the shopgirl gasp, and saw Dimitri calmly chewing on a blue wedge of soap. There had been a pensive look on his face, but it wasn’t about the taste, more the texture. 

“That was _one_ time, Claude! I am now very much aware of LUSH’s products, all of them strictly non-edible.” Dimitri protested his innocence.

“The soap was bright blue.”

“Blue cheese exists!” The helpless prince tried to make a rapidly weakening case for himself. 

“Doesn’t mean the _whole_ cheese is blue, love. What about that time at IKEA? You took a straight bite out of the wax lemon. First, who eats a whole raw lemon? Second, why at IKEA?” That had been a surprise as well, and he’d had to stop Dimitri from swallowing to try and hide the evidence. The bite-sized missing chunk, complete with teeth marks on the remaining lemon, was evidence enough of what he’d done.

“It looked refreshing…and lemons provide many health benefits,” That really had been Dimitri’s entire thought process when he’d hefted the wax lemon in his hand. No squeezing to check, knowing he might accidentally make lemon juice while Claude was shopping, but a bite wouldn’t have hurt if it was a real lemon!

“You gotta stop biting random things first, because no one leaves free samples unsupervised.” Claude reached over and placed a hand on Dimitri’s knee, squeezing it slightly. “But either way, before this becomes too serious, we’re going to work on this whole ‘impulsive eating’ thing.” Without waiting for a reply, he turned and dug into the wicker basket, rapidly removing and arranging different tupperware on the blanket until they were spread out around the two of them. Dimitri had no idea what was going on, as it wasn’t the proper time for any meal. The tupperware were all relatively small, holding what looked to be bite-sized foods. 

“Here’s the first one!” Claude popped open a low rectangular tupperware to reveal dumplings all jumbled together. They were garishly colored--bright red, green, and orange dumplings mixed together with normal white ones in the glass dish.

“Pick the right dumpling. But don’t eat it yet.” Claude asserted, handing a fork to a bemused Dimitri. 

“Um....Of course.” Leaning forward, he squinted at said dumplings, then picked one with white skin up with his fork. Normal looking, if he had to guess.

“Is this...it?” He wasn’t sure where this was going, but at least Claude looked pleased at his choice. 

“Part one passed!” Claude responded. “That’s the correct color a dumpling should be. Now bite HALF of it and let me know if it’s a normal dumping on the inside as well. Show me the other half.” 

Dimitri complied, carefully sampling half, then taking a small sniff while he chewed. It smelled fine, and he continued chewing while turning the dumpling around to show Claude. The intrepid cook clapped his hands together and nodded in approval.

“Mission success! That’s a genuine dumpling. Now try another one.” He eagerly pushed forward the rest of the dish and Dimitri slowly complied, spearing another fat dumpling and biting into it with more confidence. Just as he was turning the half around to show Claude, he bit through something flat and tough with a loud crack. 

“Oh.” They both spoke at the same time, before Dimitri slowly held up his one free hand and spit out whatever it was that _wasn’t_ dumpling filling. Two halves of a penny lay there, having been neatly broken down the middle by his far stronger tooth.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be able to bite a penny in half.” Claude observed, trying to see if any leftover stray metal was still in his lover’s mouth. Before he could check further though, Dimitri swallowed and then ate the remaining half of the dumpling.

“Do not worry, I believe it was a clean break.” His prince brightly replied as Claude looked on, mouth agape. 

“It’d be pretty evil to pack two pennies into one dumpling, but you shouldn’t trust me that much.” Sighing, he put the lid back onto that tupperware, then pulled over a round container next.

“So that’s a fail on part two. That’s fine, we have plenty more to try, after all! Here, this one’s more like what you fell for at LUSH.” An assortment of possible cheese slices were in the container, and Dimitri had a hunch that Hilda and Claude had worked together on this. Never a good sign. 

“Same as before, pick one that you think is an edible cheese, then bite into half. It’s just alleged authentic cheese slices.” Claude pushed forward the container in a show of encouragement, and Dimitri put down the fork to gingerly pick one out with his hands. 

“This...one?” It looked correct, what with a soft gold-orange luster on the leftover rind that wrapped around the inside waxy yellow ( _oh no_ ) looking interior that was suspiciously slippery smooth now that he ran his finger over it.

“It’s _not_ a cheese.” Holding it up, he sniffed it where it didn’t particularly set off any cheese alarms. Back at LUSH he hadn’t been able to tell as the smell of the soap itself had been masked by the flower field scent that permeated the entire store. Now that they were out in nature with fresh air, he could smell a hint of flowers on it. Not cheese. 

“Congratulations, Dimitri. I think you’ve won a kiss for that!” Claude leaned over to give a hug and a surprise peck on the lips. “You’re right, that’s some soap from Hilda, I had to do so many favors to get that. She’ll be glad I can return it without a bite mark in it, though.”

“You would’ve given it _back_ to her after I bit into it?!” Dimitri asked with a hard side eye, mind still trying to catch up with the hug, kiss, and statement.

“She’s an economical gal, just cut off the bitten part and you can still use it. Like you would any normal food.” Claude reached back down and shook the alleged cheese bowl, then held it up for Dimitri to pick another one. The man silently complied, furrowing his brows as he tried to evaluate this new slice. It had a red rind, and a bouncier interior. There was a hole in it, but Dimitri wasn’t quite sure if that provided more or less clues, as he knew Claude was handy with an ice cream scoop. A sniff, a lick (when Claude got distracted by some river ducks), and a pinch had him deciding that this one was proper cheese. 

“It’s cheese,” Dimitri spoke around the mouthful of his favorite food. Claude reached up and took a bite as well, then nodded in approval. 

“Right again!” Another kiss was exchanged, one Dimitri was more ready for this time and held on a bit longer before they broke apart. He snaked a hand around Claude’s thinner waist, leaning slightly into him. 

“Even you had to eat it to tell?” He snuck a kiss on Claude’s little beard, chuckling a bit as his lover laughed at the unexpected smooch. 

“It’s simple, really. I got two that look basically the same--one fake, and one real.” Claude dug a hand through the bowl and pulled out a similar one. “This one, actually! I thought about cutting it differently to tell, but you’d be smart enough to figure that out.”

“I’m glad that you have at least that much faith in me,” Dimitri replied with amusement, looking down at the rest of the “cheese”. There were some chunks that definitely weren’t cheese: bright blue or translucent green with yellow chunks in it. There were others that were a yellow to red gradient, and one that had glitter in it. 

“I’m going to guess none of the other ones are authentic dairy products. And that they are actually all parts of Hilda’s soap collection.”

“Bingo!” Claude laughed and found the lid for this tupperware, covering it back up in case it somehow made it to the river. Hilda would have his head, and a bit of his next paycheck if that happened. 

“OK, let’s try your senses on this one, shall we?” A bigger tupperware was opened up, and Dimitri found himself looking at identical rectangular slices of what seemed to be strawberry shortcake. A perfectly positioned and glazed strawberry was front and center on top of a pillowy cloud of whipped cream (hopefully) for each slice. Layers of cream and sponge cake could be seen from the side, along with spots of red between alternating slices, indicating strawberry bits. 

“Strawberry shortcake?” Dimitri inquired as he picked the fork back up and carefully poked one slice. It was transferred to a paper plate that Claude procured from the wicker basket, watching as Dimitri peered closer for inspection. 

_Strawberry seems real, check. Whipped cream...reflects light correctly. Check. Bounciness of the cake…._ He silently wobbled the plate up and down. It all moved like a proper cake, so he moved on to the next step. The strawberry was picked off first, Dimitri taking a little bite from the tip to be safe. He liked how it melted in his mouth, leaving behind little seeds that played across his tongue. Resting half the strawberry on the side for Claude to score, he cleaved through the cake and caught half of it on the fork. This bite had more texture, but it was certainly cake-like, soft and fluffy. Turning to show his curious lover the remains of the cake, Dimitri felt a bit of relief seeing a familiar spark of light enter Claude’s eyes. 

“Ding Ding! You’re right!” Another kiss was exchanged, and Dimitri had to hold onto the plate for fear of spilling it all over both of them. 

“That’s strawberry shortcake alright,” Claude confirmed as he licked his lips, relishing in the sweet aftertaste, then gestured at the remaining little cakes. “Try another one!”

“Surely I can’t stop if I’ve won?” Dimitri whined, but belied his tone with a lingering smile as he speared another cake onto his plate. This one looked nearly identical, and even bounced like a real cake again. A taste of the strawberry verified it was the same as before, bolstering his confidence. He split the cake in half, then ate it after one more cursory look-over. At first it was all the same. Spongy cake, fluffy whipped cream...but then the crunch of _something_ jarred him back into reality, and what was being tested of him with all this weird food. Claude had heard the crunch as well, sitting up straight to peer at the leftover half of the cake. He chuckled, then turned to see Dimitri staring at him with bulged out cheeks like a big, blonde chipmunk.

“Now why are you looking like that?!” Claude asked between wheezed laughs, trying to hold himself together as the love of his life shook his head, cheeks bobbing as he did so. 

“I’m not swallowing until you tell me to! What was- _is_ that?” Dimitri managed to eke out a reply through his full cheeks, pointing a fork at the crunchy object covered in bright red powder on the inside, sandwiched between layers of whipped cream and cake. 

“Hot Cheetos.” Claude replied with a straight face, then laughed even harder as Dimitri spit the half in his mouth out onto the plate. “You’ll eat a dumpling that had a metal coin in it, but not Hot Cheetos strawberry shortcake?!” 

“Even if it’s all edible, that’s simply not right!” Dimitri protested to his lover, who was nearly crying from laughter. Seeing so much fun being had at his own expense, he decided to at least sneak in something nice for himself today. Claude found himself pulled closer by the waist, as a spicy yet sweet flavor glazed his lips and a deeper kiss was exchanged between them. Unfortunately, he swallowed too quickly after that, and choked on a bit of leftover Hot Cheeto powder. As he settled his coughing fit, a few more kisses were plastered onto his cheeks and neck before he could push his beefy taste-tester off. 

“You...you didn’t even get that one right!” 

“I believe I deserve a reward after you willingly fed me something worse than soap.” Dimitri primly replied, then pushed aside the rest of the tupperware. This spot was secluded enough, he figured-- they _could_ spend some time amongst themselves. 

“I--Hey! ” Claude laughed as he tried to fight back the unstoppable force that was bearing down on him. “There’s plenty of other delicacies to try!”

“That can wait,” Dimitri answered, finally giving a full smile for the first time since the start of this impromptu picnic. 

“Spicy and sweet, huh,” his lover muttered in reply, licking the corners of his lips and tasting his own foul concoction. He’d brought this onto himself, honestly, and it wouldn’t be right to not take responsibility.

**Author's Note:**

> Lorenz helps himself to some unmarked strawberry shortcake in the fridge the next day and Claude comes home to a sealed envelope containing three pages of indignant angry emotions on how one is not to play with other’s trust on his desk.


End file.
